When I was a little girl, I used to LOVE figure skating. My sister and I used to take lessons. I only got as far as “Shooting the Duck”. We used to skate backwards to Jefferson Starship’s “Sarah”. Don’t hate.

Anyways, I was aimlessly watching TV the other day when I thought I saw a commercial for something about Brian Boitano making food. It was over by the time the realization hit me that I was not dreaming. Fucking Ass Dumb Shit Food Network has a new show called “What Would Brian Boitano Make”. It’s supposed to be a funny hat-tip to a Southpark song, “What Would Brian Boitano Do” and I would link it here but it’s fucking stupid and I know y’all have more important things to do than watch it. However, the video below is REAL. It’s Brian Boitano skating to a live performance by Richard Marx (minus the mullet). I really don’t think it gets better than that. Fuck a 1988 Olympic Gold Medal Free Skate. 

Note: This Bravo show is figure skating set to live, strangely old and obsolete singers. I will tell you that I saw this same show except instead of figure skating, it was gymnastics. I am not lying. It was Paul Hamm (also has a twin, Morgan, who is a gymnast, too) doing a high bar routine. I think it was Michael McDonald singing.